Depression Rears It's Ugly Head Again

I've struggled with depression for almost half my life. I've not just been depressed since my daughter died, but since before she was born. My whole life, I have been trying to figure out what my problem is or was and never could. I want to know that there is a reason for the feelings that I have, the desire to die didn't begin when Audrey died. I wanted to die before that. I've been waiting my whole life to die. Yes, wonderful things have happened, my life has been full of good things. It seems however, that the bad have outnumbered the good. The thing in your life that is supposed to be good, was marred. She came so early. So tiny was she. It was about 6 months after we moved into our house, the first time I seriously considered suicide. I had been taking Remeron as a sleeping aid/antidepressant. I had about 45 of them in a pill bottle. I poured them all into my hand, and started screaming. Sean came into the kitchen and just stared at me. He had no idea what to do, we'd been fighting. I sat down to write a note. It was addressed to Audrey. I tried to tell her that it wasn't her fault, and that she should be strong. I realized that I couldn't do that. I had to change. I had to take over again. I had to make the most of whatever I had. I tried to fix myself. I have tried so hard. But I can't fix what's wrong with me.
I once heard someone liken depression to diabetes. How, you'd never stop taking insulin shots if you were a diabetic, so why would you stop taking your antidepressant meds? They turned depression into a disease, instead of just some general malaise. I don't know when it happened, but suddenly it became chic to be depressed. You could go to any doctor, not only a psychiatrist, and get "help".
I started going to research trials. I found something that worked so well. And I never could remember what the name of the drug was, because it actually was originally made as an incontinence drug, I have no idea if it ever made it past clinical trials or not. It doesn't really matter now. I've tried every single SSRI on the market for the last 10 years, and not a single one of them worked. I actually was sent into Serotonin Syndrome, a type of overdose from one of the drugs I was on. It was like having an anxiety attack that never went away.
I finally got my doctor to stop prescribing me SSRI's and put me on something else. It was wellbutrin. It worked. I was on it for a long time. I did start having more anxiety attacks, but I'd rather have the attacks than contemplate suicide all the time.
I need to go to the doctor.