I am so useless

I swear, I must be the biggest idiot in the whole world. I can't do anything right. I can't cook, I can't clean. I don't know how to be a good parent. I can't be a good wife. I am a terrible friend, I have no imagination and I can't manage to make anyone I know happy. I can't please my husband, I can't make the kids be good. I can't keep the house clean enough. I don't do enough with the kids. I don't hang out with the right people my husband wants me to hang out with. I drink too much. I eat too much. I don't exercise enough. I'm tired of trying to do anything anymore. I can't get any of it right, so why should I try? I will never ever be good enough. I will never do or be what anyone needs me to be. I think the only person that would care if I wasn't here any more is my oldest son. I want to write, and I talk to hubby about it, about ideas for things, and I get treated like an idiot. I don't know anything, and I can't do anything right. Why do I even try. I wish I could just give in and give up properly. Nothing I do will ever be good enough for him. Nothing. I just don't understand it. He claims that he does everything to make me happy, but I never do anything for him. I find that very very difficult to believe as I do nothing but try to make him happy. I can never be enough for him as I am. I am constantly expected to change, while he gets to keep going exactly like he wants to. How is that fucking fair?

My Sister

So, she came to see her "babies" that I've had living with me for almost 2 years. She is a drug addict felon, which is why I have her kids. She was planning on leaving on the youngest boy's birthday, but got arrested. That was almost 4 weeks ago. She got out today. Shows up while I'm at work, and I bought her a damned plane ticket back to where she belongs. She has no picture ID. I don't care. She can rot at the airport for all I care. I cannot believe that I am related to this person. Did I mention I have another one out in AZ? She's been living with my Grandmother, who passed away this weekend. She had the nerve to ask my MOTHER if she could come live here. IN MY HOUSE. That was a big fat NO. I cannot believe the balls on these 2 people. Never in my life have I ever met another pair of women who care so little about anyone but themselves.

So, what's new with me?

It's been a long, long time since I posted on here. I have 3 more kids, my mom, and a different outlook on life. I hate my sister, (the kids mom) the drug addict. I found out today my grandmother is going to hospice, and I don't know that I want to go back to Arizona for the funeral. I'm stressed to the max, and some days I feel like I used to. I feel like it's all slipping away, and the control that I show everyone will finally fall away, and they will all see me for I really am. A weak willed, spineless woman who can't do anything on her own. A whiny little bitch who can't do anything right. This mask that I wear feels like it's lined with spikes. It's incredibly difficult to keep a smile on my face sometimes. It's getting harder and harder to get out of bed some days. I swear, I think I'm bipolar. The crazy just gets out of control sometimes, and manifests itself differently with each passing year. I'm going to try very hard to keep this updated. I know I've said it before, but this time I mean it!!!