A Year of Work

I've been debating what to write about for the last few days. You see, I've gotten back in touch with some people I used to be very close with when I was young. I grew up with them, and had very close friendships with them. Then, my parents up and moved us across the country. I didn't really keep in touch, as kids tend not to do. I was attempting to make new friends, and fit in at a new school. Honestly, I though they had forgotten about me. Apparently, I was wrong.
I've got a facebook.com page, only because my friend has one to talk to her brother in England. This is how I've been found. I had a few friends on there before, mostly the above mentioned friend, her family, and a few people from my previous life in AZ. Then, one night at work, I was talking with a co-worker about the myspace/facebook phenomenon. I told her that I had a facebook page, and she said she did too. The very next day, I had like 6 or 7 friend invites from people we both knew, at work. Later that same day, I got a request from one of the girls I used to hang with in MIDDLE SCHOOL. Then, the same day, a request from a gal I went to High School with. Talk about odd...
However, in exchanging email back and forth with them, and others, I've come to the conclusion that I'm a different type of person than they are. All of them have made something of their lives. One's a doctor, and another going to be a lawyer, one in publishing, and one living in the UK. Here I sit, a florist at a grocery store. I am 31 years old, and I've had 2 kids, been married for almost 12 years, own a nice house, and am slowly going crazy.
Now, granted, I've done well. I did get married before I had my children. We were the youngest homeowners I knew of, and always had food on the table, and the bills were always paid, albeit sometimes late. I feel like such a failure compared to these people. I feel like I gave up the option to be financially successful when I had my daughter, and then my son. I feel like exactly what I am, uneducated and unimportant.
The thing is, I know that I am not. I've had things in my life that made life worth living, and the thing is, I don't know that I would do things differently if given the chance. I got married at the age of 19. I had found the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with, why would I wait any longer than I already had to marry him. We'd been together almost 2 years by the time we got married. As for getting pregnant when I did, I would have done it sooner if I could have. I couldn't get pregnant. It took us almost a year to get pregnant with Audrey.
Then, she came. She was so tiny, and fought so hard. So many issues, and such an uphill battle to get the care and equipment she needed. People staring when we went shopping and she was in her wheelchair. Even my bosses at work didn't get it. They couldn't wrap their minds around a child in a wheelchair. Then, after we had planned never to have anymore children, Connor shows up. Complete surprize.
I was devistated, what happened if I again went into labor so early? What would we do? We decided that we wouldn't do to this child what we put Audrey through. We would let this child go, if the same thing happened. I was watched very closely throught my pregnancy. I was 25 years old. My dad had a major heart attack, and here I was, pregnant without planning. I had to change jobs just to keep the family afloat. I'd been working in an office, and the boss was less than sympatheic to my situation.
Trying to adjust to life with half the pay you were making before is tough. I've been making 1/2 what I made in the office for the last 6 years almost. And, you know what, it's not that bad. Yeah, we don't do a lot of vacations, or buy really expensive stuff all the time, but we've got a Wii, an xbox 360, I play rockband a few times a week. I am sitting here writing this blog on a laptop.
I look at the girls I used to hang out with, and I'm envious because of what they've become. Part of me wishes I'd made the choices they'd made. I'm in a quandry over what to beleive. Is it 6 of one, a half dozen of another? Do they feel the same way about me?
As women, we are told we can do it all. Yet, we really can't. We can't be competent parents and still have the ultimate career. One thing always suffers. When one thing is going well, the other will surely cause strife. I was so much happier working part time, and being home with the kids during the day than I was when they were with someone else all day. Now, with Connor starting school in the fall, I'm coming up on that line again. Will I go back to work for "the man", or will I go back to school myself? Will I eventually do both? I don't know, and these choices need to be made in order for my family to survive. Economic times are tough, and I need to make tough choices for my family. I just hope I make the right ones.