So, I work nights, and last night, I got home just after 10:00pm. It's only a few days until Mother's Day, so I've been busy. My son was in bed, so as soon as I got in, my husband put on Heroes. After that was over, it was time for bed. So, we go into bed, and he just lays there, and I just lay there. Talking about work, and all the things that I've got going on there, and he is so not interested. All he's got on his mind, is, you know... I'm so tired of getting into bed, and just expected to be ready. I need some attention, I'm not a man. Women are different, we don't get turned on as readily as men, especially when we are not the initiators. I am so sick of him forgetting this. I don't understand why he thinks that all of the sudden, I'm just going to be ready, without any, uh, assistance. Now, granted there are times that I'm all ready ready to go, but more often than not, I'd like a "helping hand". He likes for me to take care of things myself, but at 11:00 pm, I'm not really wanting to take care of anything. We've been sleeping in the same be for almost 13 years, I would think that he would get it by now. I don't start it. He does, maybe he's sick of it. I don't know.
All I know is that I like to feel like he's taking charge. He wants it, come take it. I've never been one to start things, so therefore, I don't get why he thinks I just will one night. Not even when I've been drinking, and am totally ready to, do I start things. I'm sure he just wants me to start things moving, but I don't want to. No matter how bad I want it, I won't do that. I don't know what it is with me, but I seem to have some kind of block about it. We've been together for so long, one would think that I shouldn't have a problem initating things, but I still do. It makes me feel dirty, and not in a good way.
When I was in Arizona visiting my family, he stayed here, I took our son. We were gone for 10 days. The last night there, he sent me a naked picture of himself, and a bunch of "dirty" pictures. We basically took care of it through text messaging, but he had me call him at the last possible minute. I was ok with that, I think, but now I don't know how to even talk to him about it. I don't want to upset him, we don't fight very often, and I don't want him to be mad about it. I think it may be unavoidable at this point however.
He must think that I want nothing to do with him. I want him, I just don't know how to express it. This may actually have something to do with a fight we had when we first got together, where he told me that sex isn't love. I have followed that, and now I don't know how to undo what I've done to myself. I am a terrible wife, I hate cleaning and laundry. My best friend bends over backwards for her husband, and it makes me feel like less of a woman. She wants her husband constantly, and has told me that her need has only increased since she turned 30. My husband is great in bed, what is my freakin problem?
I have tried telling him that I need help, and that I need to get back on medication, but for some stupid reason he thinks that I have been doing fine without it. I have, for the most part. But not the last few weeks. I just want to be able to satisfy my husband, without hurting myself. Once we get started, I'm good, I'm ready, and I'm totally willing to finish. He's the one who makes sure that I'm taken care of first, and often. I don't know, maybe I'm just a nut job...
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