Today...again

Every day I've been struggling to get out of bed. I've been feeling worse and worse. It's coming up on 2 years that Audrey's been gone, and I am not dealing well with it. I just want the time to pass, I just want that day to come and go, and me have slept through it all. I don't want to remember that day, or the days that followed. Every night as I try to get to sleep, it comes rushing back. I see the hospital, and her laying in the bed, and her not moving. I have big gaps in my memory of that time, and I'm none to glad about it. I've been trying to keep myself composed, but it doesn't seem to be working all that well. I can feel myself becoming more and more down, and I really want to go back on anti-depressants, but I'm not sure that I should. I've not been having as many anxiety attacks as I was, but, I still feel like I'm walking around in a fog sometimes. Actually, it feels like most of the time. I don't know what I'm doing half the time, and I'm not even drinking...I feel like I should be able to get up off the couch, and do something with my son. But, I can't. I want to be able to take him to the park, or outside, or anything, but it's so hard to face people. I have no friends here, except if you count the one lady I talk to sometimes at work. I can't seem to make myslef do anything. I want to, but it's like there's this huge sphere of despair encircles everything in my life, infusing itself into everything that I attempt. I do the laundry, and something of hers ends up in it somehow. She's been gone almost 2 years, why do her things still show up in the clean clothes? Socks, t-shirts, even her shorts sometimes. And it's not everytime either, just sometimes. I do the dishes, and I think, well, nothing. She had a g-tube, and didn't eat by mouth. But, We bought the plates after she died. Along with so many other things. We tried to fill the hole that she left with "stuff", and it didn't work.
I took my son to a birthday party at that Mousey pizza place, and it was for a little girl, who turned 6. I bought her an outfit. It was so hard to look at those clothes in the store. I hate that the little girls section is right up front. It's like a slap in the face, everytime I go there. I usually rush right past it, not looking. Audrey had so many clothes. She was the best dressed girl at school. She was so pretty in everything too. I never had to buy her clothes either, that's what she got from everyone all the time. Cute jeans and shorts, t-shirts, sweaters, matching socks. It was so nice to see her in these clothes that "normal" kids wore. I miss her so much. I can't wait to die so I can see her again.